The (Heart)Broken Mermaid

LOVE and LEAD your own life before you dilute it with another person. 

When you are sharing your life, it’s wonderful if it’s the right person at the right time, but you are better to be SINGLE than with the wrong person at the wrong time and do yourself a harm.

A woman is such a capable specimen, 

I am committed to standing alone to face life sola with everything I have so that I can discover what it is which resides below the complacency of my comfort zone. Hard times arise but then the happiness that follows them is amplified because you have achieved something alone. 

The trouble with being in someone’s company is that you always have a comfort zone with you, a security blanket that affectionately distracts you from where you alone want to go in life and what you would like to achieve. You can happily spend mornings sleeping in with your head on somebody's chest if they are a loving person because it feels nice and comfortable. I'd rather feel lonely but motivated than comfortable yet complacent.

(This is not everybody’s problem, of course- for the fortified ones), I don’t want comfort, nor company. I want to explore and be lonely and it feel horrible and impossible so that I can endure it and so that I can be SO happy and more capable on the other side! 

The real Deep and Meaningful discussion of how I know I can be a strong woman all on my own this year, 2013 comes from how 2012 ended.  The state that I was in was a train wreck. This is no deviation from the usual, after all, every relationship except for the one who loved me (and I escaped his love) had been disaster from turmoil to chaos. I could even see myself like a smashed up scrap of driftwood, with every boy wielding an axe, a dent crumpling me in to a beaten destroyed, cracked rubble. Until of course, the one who smashed me in to pieces, whom I let destroy me, and who literally beat me and abused me. 

Negao

Until you get so far removed from all the life you have inside you that you find yourself, in your natural habitat, trapped, you can pretend not to know how you got there. On the beach, trapped on the sand, hiding your scars and your bruises from the world. Huge bruises, so deep they are at the point of  bleeding beneath the skin. Expansive and darkly colourful, they practically break the surface.

The beach is: living life to the fullest. I don’t imagine it the way it can be seen by other people, particularly like the catwalk runway of North Bondi, Sydney.

Beach is home. 

Beach IS YOU. 

La Playa Eres Tú. 

You are grains of sand, sunshine, crashing waves and eternity.

Eres granos de arena, el sol, las olas y la eternidad. 

Nothing but acceptance and surrender to the waves, enjoy tu cuerpo and enjoy tu mundo, tu tierra. 

It’s ocean frolicking. Este es alegría

There are no eyes, no judgments, no standards- just give yourself to the sea.

Then one day, you are sitting on the sand, hiding yourself from eyes. - Hiding the body you have because somebody else has tainted it and possessed it and wounded it. And you have so much shame to be seen at all by strangers but sobre todo to yourself, to your ocean.

And how do you get yourself in to such an unrecognizable situation when you are a woman for women? A woman who’s independent, strong, and self-reliant? Something that you could have never imagined you would permit in your life.

You do so that slowly and insidiously that you don’t notice from one day to another that he is breaking you down in to deconstructed shades and taking them away from your rainbow.

It happens so subtly that you get convinced of his perception of you and the world is askew. Then all you crave is the worthlessness he feeds you, and you feel despised by him so attractively it masquerades as  something that you want. The longer it goes on, this advances in to something that you let yourself believe you need. Finally, it turns in to something you could go on thinking you ARE. Nada mas. 

Shirt I stole after a fight in order to claim something back.

This occurs because your heart is so big you want to give him help and you crave attention from people who hurt you then. Then when it’s gone so far even if you see your way up, you can’t climb out because it’s so deep you would feel helpless without his shape in the shadows to assure you are still someone and he might be the only one who knows. 
He might not be giving you love and support and encouragement but the potency of that which he DOES give you in the opposite is so passionate and strong it is "something" given to you and all to you, albeit horrible degrading and violent. It is something destructive but addictive. It is something repulsive but something of a  self fulfilling prophecy. 

Which is obscene, but every experience in your life and background gave the trajectory for this to occur.  

I could have only been susceptible to him, particularly for the one before. Susceptibility is one word but it was more than that. Worse than that. It wasn’t falling, or being tricked or trapped. It was running and jumping in to his arms. It was like a cartoon character diving from a height and disappearing from sight right in to a tiny cup of water. It was something like a hatred I felt for myself that he mirrored and that validation comforted me like no friends, or love, or accomplishments could. So I sought him, found him, invited him, chased him, provoked him and drowned in him. He choked me and I didn't fight for my own breath. 

The Alter The Married, Lying, Arrogant, Manipulative, Exploitative, Senior Trainer Too Skinny Strangler 

Even when I think this scar is healed it still offends me.  The errors in this chapter while being worthwhile lessons on trusting your instinct, still remain an affront to me. 

It is the confirmation of every doubt- it was falling for the exact things that I never wanted to happen,

it was believing lies, it was being a naïve girl.

It was being manipulated and being sacrificed. 

It was an endorsement of stereotypes. It was not worth the time. No vale la pena.
At the end, it was all exposed and everything he comforted me about protecting me from, he did. 

I let him make me something I wasn't and I let him annihilate me in to nothing. I let him.
I let him take something I wasn't, I couldn't, and I didn't want. I gave him everything and he took everything. He abolished me. I let him. 

All my fears and doubts and objections were so right. In a way it is almost so far, so far far far at the end of the spectrum of harmful toxic experences that it is almost practically touching the polar opposite in a uniting circle. Making this experience SO offensive it is almost euphoric. This must be something to be celebrated, something so humiliatingly shameful it borders on pride.

But being a young mermaid, you have no say in the matter. Throw your heart first, and then run after it.

Have an aesthetic crush and always, their personality ruins it.  But, saves que?? I am the prize. 

That is done and behind me and I am wiser and stronger and as we are changing every single second of our lives we have to reconcile with our past choices because the person who made them isn't here any more. And the you of this moment is better for the mistakes of your past.