La Sirena being born woman and distressed

I, being born a woman and distressed

By all the needs and notions of my kind,

Am urged by your propinquity to find

Your person fair, and feel a certain zest

To bare your body's weight upon my breast:

So subtly is the fume of life designed,

To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,

And leave me once again undone, possessed.

Think not for this, however, the poor treason

Of my stout blood against my staggering brain,

I shall remember you with love, or season

My scorn wtih pity, -- let me make it plain:

I find this frenzy insufficient reason

For conversation when we meet again. 

Edna St. Vincent Millay

"I don't want to be liked, I want to be preferred."

2am Friday night: I’m feeling exactly how I wanted to avoid, for someone I don’t even know. Throw your heart first and then run after it. I just want to kiss his face.

Simmer down though!! cool your jets. Woah, RE-lax!

Do you maybe just want to kiss somebody’s face? Or be kissed? KIKIIIIIIIII Give yourself attention so you stop craving it from others.

Hours Earlier:: I was walking home from paying tickets to LETICIA, las Amazonas. As I walked through the National Park on my way to meet my class at Crepes and Wafles cuando, de pronto, lo vi un chico caminando tan rapido. We both crossed the street at the same time. He was walking fast. We both had the same starting point. I imagined it like a race and I made it my personal challenge to keep up with him. Funny little games I play with myself.

I kept up with him and at almost the end of the ‘race’ I asked him, Por que corres??

Why are you running?

Naturally, he asked me where I was from because my Spanish continues to have a baby accent with influences of Australian, French, Portuguese, Russian and Gypsy.  Which lead to us talking about life, my favorite subject.

1. Anyways, from talking about life came swapping details. 
2. From swapping details I messaged him about the Crepes and Wafles date with my class. 
3. From messaging about the Crepes and Wafles date with my class he came to Crepes and Wafles, 
4. from which he came to hop bars with us, 
5. from which he came to Zona T with us, 
6. from which he came to dance with us,
7. from which he came to dance with my Pocahontas sister. 

MY Pocahontas sister, who I dance with. And the stranger I met in the street, of course. My women are my sisters, my sisters are my heart and my heart is enormously overflowing with sympathy, empathy, love, nachas, honour, fierce protection and every other extreme hypersensitvity. 

I felt so horrible. Jealous? I don’t know. Protective? Rejected? It’s not enjoyable sensations. But at the same time it was a GREAT lesson. Like when you run up sand dunes and your thighs are actually burning and you feel paiiiiin but you run through it anyway and just sprint your way up. Then you stand at the top of something which you endured and you are stronger for it, and of course, that pain doesn't last and in time you don't even remember the hurt you witnessed. Or hiking in the bush and being so exhausted and tested and stretched to capacity and then you get to the top of a beautiful mountain and the memories which remain are of beauty and peace.

It was horrible, tumultuous, sickening, wrenching, unenjoyable feeling; a suffering, a hurtful sensation. I wanted to not be there, I wanted to not witness this. I wanted to escape the reality. Of course all things pass and this is no exception- there never are exceptions.

“Just relax, nothing bad is happening. You are having a good time with your friends. You would be having a fabulous time with your friends if he wasn’t there. Just enjoy what makes you happy, your amigas and just relax- so, this sight feels horrible? But just go with it! This is you, feeling horrible and rejected and jealous. Ok, so what? JUST KEEP DANCING. I struggled and I suffered but of course I could handle it and now that it’s today it doesn’t even matter. 
I don’t feel the same pain I felt, I handled it and it passed.

Friday night I had an absolutely stunningly beautiful conversation with someone who disliked me over the topic of disliking me.
At the time I felt so covered in absolute honour and joy.

Emilie told me that she is very honest, and at first she didn’t like me.

She said,

“I didn’t understand you, you are weird. I didn't it is just the natural way you are.
Now I see you are actually a generous person"

I thought you have a lot of confidence (read: too much) but now I feel like you are right and that is the way to be. I can say honestly since I know you, I like you more and more everyday. And it’s strange because we are so different I wouldn’t believe I do like you
- but I do.”

I still feel inadequate and jealous and I still crave attention from people who hurt me and I still do get a sense of satisfaction out of being desired- the ultima I want to lose. Because of course with that when you feel satisfied if someone is attracted to you then you feel unsatisfied when someone isn’t. And my life is too good to go around without the fullest sense of satisfaction.

I still suffer from crushing feelings of inadequacy- but these days I can suffer them and not hold on to them- I can feel it and let it go. I feel like I’m not enough, I’m not pretty enough, no one wants to be with me sometimes too- even though I KNOWWWW I am beautiful and a gorgeous company ad everyone around me is lucky to feel my warmth. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel otherwise sometimes too. WE ALL DO.  It’s normal to feel these feelings- it’s not healthy to let them take over, it’s not healthy to let them define you. No matter how much you feel it- it ISN’T who you are; no matter how long you’ve felt it- it’s NOT who you ARE far who you are always going to BE. If we all felt exactly how confident and wonderful as I feel and I write about AAAAAAlways, we wouldn’t stay here, we would be Buddha. Relax. You’re OK. There is nothing to grasp, nothing to get. Just be. We are human--- and even more special Gracias a Dios I am a Woman

 So I will suffer, and I will pain and I will yearn and I will urge and I will feel jealous and needy and crave attention and be validated but I don’t NEED to indulge in every emotion I feel. Then after all, it is a blessing to be able to FEEL. To be able to feel anything at all. We wouldn't know joy if we hadn't felt sorrow. A love story without tragedy is not heart break. It is the breaks which built us up. 

So here I am, a grown woman, whole and complete and happy living on the other side of the world making my own life. Independent, ambitious and self reliant. Writing a diary entry about how I met a boy I like and how I want him to like me...
Am I in trouble?