La Sirena... & every other woman.

"Everything I say means show me how much you want me"

The other night I was making mistakes; avoidable, repetitive, self harming and degrading mistakes. Stupid and disrespectful to myself and my company.

I really do believe there is something to be said for being kind to yourself, as you would be to a best friend. However, one must be able to look critically at their behaviors and rectify those that damage themselves or bring harm to others- I think I did both. In the stage of life be both the actor and the audience.

Of course, from all ‘bad’ things comes lessons learnt and something positive to take away and better yourself. Guilt has no place to hold you back, just like shame.

bitches be craaaaazy

If you start to worry about your personality, don’t. You never even really had one. No acts you have done define you, it is easy for humans to identify with a more concrete sense of self than the infinite beings we are- so they lab things you have done, or thoughts you have thought and limit us to what we might amount to. I have made mistakes, but I am not a bad person. I have let myself down, but that doesn’t mean I should punish myself. Continuing to make mistakes you know don’t serve you is a form of punishing yourself. Continuing to run away from something that could actually influence your life in a positive way and grow you, tambien, is a form of punishment.

I can’t continue to punish myself.

For me that compensation after my errors came in the form of an impromptu girls sleepover!

Laughs, secrets, stories, sharing.

My now near and dear true friend who I really understand well passed the night next to me in my bed. Despite being women soooo far apart in so many ways, obviously, we are the same within. Todas somos iguales. Todas quieren lo mismo.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

However, like Audrey Hepburn,

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

 My darling amiga, ma poule, shares sentiments with me. We laugh and laugh and laugh with each other. She starts a sentence and within one word I relate exactly to what she is going to say. We speak in Spanish: neither of our first languages. We speak and instantly we completely understand the point of view of the other, what they are going to say and why they feel that way.

A language is through the heart.

Both of us “suffer” from an overflow of love.

“I really need to have someone to love, even if I just love them in my head,” she was just o wise and so honest and so on point with so much.

“If it may be something, it will be something and lets see, it’s not the man of my dreams just someone I can spend some good time- its just because I feel the need of being in the arms of a cute boy…

Actually I can fall in love with anybody who is a little bit nice to me and more or less physically how I like”

This makes me call to mind how we invent people. Aesthetic crushes, and with the power of our imagination we pour in to them all our hopes and wishes even if they themselves are far from fulfilling them.

These thoughts come from extensive discussions with more close friends who are strong women. It’s fun to have someone to think over, something to mentally chew. To sleep over with your friends and pick apart, dissecting every undertone or overtone of what was said or not, what was done or not. But this is just a pastime and as much as it is innocently fun once in a while, it is no why to live your own life.

At a Tantra workshop in a festival I did an exercise of looking in to the eyes, intently for 3 minutes of a stranger I had just met. The teachers preached about how much is it that when you love someone, or even just to see someone- you see them how YOU feel when you’re around them, or whatever you perceive them to be, and not for who they are in that moment. For example, a mother with her child- how natural is it for parents to never lose sight of the infant they birthed even through adolescence, and in to adulthood. Or a married couple together for 50 years? Still see each other as how they first met, or even relationships much shorter, and especially relationships that start in high school and each of the partnership undergo so many changes and growth. We don’t see people for everything they are in every moment of every day.  We invent people how we want them and we get mad at them for not turning out how we had hoped, but not how they are.

We invent people and we want to give them our love.

The way we love them is whole and draining. It occupies our lives and we pour ourselves in to the invention so much so that when it ceases to be, we aren’t ourselves, we are empty. We don’t exist without this person to mirror us, and to exist for! 
Do we fall in love easily or are we looking for an excuse to express our love. Do we want to love somebody and feel happier when we are, so we start working on telling ourselves that it is him. Something about him, everything about him- when really it is something about us and all about us. 
It is basically the way we feel better about ourselves, comforted, insultated to have somebody to think of, to hold you and to be around.

This is how I too was, but it is not how I am.

 It is fortifying to be alone. 
Just because someone might not return your feelings, "not like you like that"  

• doesn´t mean they are a bad person
• doesn´t mean you are a bad person
• doesn´t mean they want to hurt you
• doesn´t mean you should feel hurt

Plush tiger ears insitu, russian gypsy shall, jacket urchased that day for $2 because it was windy, starfish earrings, unicorn in lap, chocolate in mouth, tea at hand and classic hippy dress been all round the earth with me.

Also when you want to have some kind of control over how someone else perceives you, this is a sure sign of aesthetic crush. I remember with some disasters just wanting it to dawn on them how cool I am, how special I am. Of course, it doesn’t matter! Just live your life and the right people will be attracted to you when you are doing what you love and being yourself. Naturally we are gorgeous, radiant Goddesses in our own rites, and yet, when we feel a crush and want them to like us OBVIOUSLY we fumble and fall in embarrassment. You’re never as cool as a cucumber when you like somebody and you realize it.

OBVIOUSLY coolness speaks for itself: Pomelo. 

So, about my aesthetic crush and how I went about nearly ruining our friendship. I feel like we are friends, and now I have let go of the want to kiss his face. Maybe just in time for us to be nothing at all
 :(

He left my house quite surly with the most minimalist of goodbyes then I stayed, crawled in to bed with my amiga and for the first time in a long time, talked to another girl about liking a boy. Except this character, this gentleman, this is a man. I told her I liked him. I told her that we went to meet each other the other day and as I approached I saw him waiting there first and it made me ask myself, what is this DREAMBOAT doing standing there waiting to meet MEEE?

This babe?

 It had yet to dawn on me when I came across him in the calle the first time and made his acquaintance that he is actually handsome stone cold fox. Luckily it hadn’t dawned on me or maybe I would be too shy to say anything and just keep wishing he would talk to me.

I told her how no women want a man NO other women want, no woman want a man who wants ALL other women. When we were dancing the first time I charged my fabulous friend with not permitting me to kiss him ‘because I could if I wanted to’ (but a being a nun) and she said,

‘Yeah it seems like it would be easy- NOT that you could only be with somebody who was easy, uh- noo,’ aside from the backhanded insult which she did not mean at all but it did sound quite offensive- the assertation that he would be indiscriminate instantly made me unattracted. I don’t ant to be liked, remember- I want to be preferred. I am quality. I don’t think he is like that though, and now she doesn’t think so either.

Still, I continued talking with Emilie about it. She told me she thought that he felt something for me. I assured her she had misinterpreted because I had not noticed any such inclinations on his part. Aside from the kiss on the doorstep- does he kiss all his friends? On the mouth? What is this?? Eastern Europe?

We talked at length about aesthetic crushes in general, ourselves, and her love interest.

Here I write about her sage advice over the friend I found who I had started to like.

Despite not understanding me at first encounters she now knows very well typical ‘Kiki’ behaviours, which consist of a lot of ‘my love’ ‘mi amor’ ‘ma bichette’ and other terms of affection to strangers and friends alike; completely inappropriate physical contact and a more than usual amount of animation in recounting stories heavily laden with superfluous detail. The error that I made in that night was the unrepresentative amount of physical contact.

I have already stated, that my friend whom I like dearly more and more never touches me or looks at me like he wants to. (Let’s not rule out the possibility of being gay? mentiiiiira) So it’s safe to say that he’s just not that in to me. Fair enough no crime there.

However, from someone who I just want to lay my head on his chest, this unrequited sentiment is not the easiest. Of course I accept it, am not offended and hoy en dia todo bien. Meanwhile, while I am not my coolest self because I partially am secretly hoping that he realizes how cool I am I fumble and struggle to be at ease (not that much because I am after all, easy going by nature).

One time in Perth I saw a boy who broke my heart, and I was so taken aback and in shock without conscious control, all I did was take off my shoes and put them in my bag. I just felt like wearing barefoot. Weird stream of consciousness.

Meanwhile, during this night and amongst this group there was a friend of mine, a good friend of the ‘family’ (mi casa) who came ad stayed and talked and gave me attention I didn’t want from him. And yet, it was attention I wanted- from ANOTHER person. So stupidly and disrespectfully, I didn’t pull my hand away when el payaso touched my hand; stupidly and disrespectfully I didn’t decline when he brought my to sit on his leg instead of on the floor, stupidly and disrespectfully I engaged in his pointless conversations which never go anywhere because it’s constantly circling Mamasita, eres Linda, eres Hermosa, me gustas and other unfounded bullshit because he doesn’t know me in the slightest.

Emilie saw all this transpre. EVERYone saw all this transpire. If you didn’t know me, you could think I want the payaso! Yet Emilie knows me and she was just worried for me. Worried that I send signals I don’t mean, for people I don’t want. All the while, in front of someone who I COULD want and sadly left in a cold, upset manner :(

Now I deal with the consequences.

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO AND BE PATIENT ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR THE WONDERS YOU DESERVE